Monday, November 6, 2017

Yours anxiously,

I always feel a surge of inadequacy coursing through my veins,
If I said it was a one-off and dismissed it with a joke ...
You've seen me for the pathological liar I can be,
Offering up meek witticism to swallow down the bile of my own uncertainty.

This stream of anxiety far outmuscles the ebbing brilliance,
Carefully constructed to divert how longing I am suspect to become of approval ...
Although sometimes the barebones wit and the stumbling boyhood charm break the ice,
And we happen to be doing well beyond the perpetual jitter, know that I'm a ticking time bomb.

I have this scar inside my head that seems to have developed unshakable inadequacies,
And on days I refuse to acknowledge him and flutter about with a contentment,
He leaves me bleeding at the throes of Mercy of someone else's fascination ...
Where my diminishing sense of self-worth is overjoyed that I've handed the keys over, one more time.

Look carefully into my eyes with all the sincerity you can muster when our paths do cross,
And you'll see me wearing all my life-force on my sleeve, like a pooch in much need of just your love.
If you think that makes me needy, I need you to politely step away,
For not even self-preservation interests me when I've succumbed to the charms of your existance.

I ask just one last thing human, if you see me care too deeply and you are not wired to return my affection,
Treat me like a fine piece of China and leave me on the shelf, for on it's own, my solitude is retrospective.
But don't cut me with mind-games and finely tweaked monopolisation and polarisation of my senses,
Because I'm anxious people, and we, are but a stone's throw away from being fed up of an existance validated by vicarious judgement.



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Yours cryptically,

I talk better in rhymes than I speak in conversation, precious
My charm works better when my anxiety is hidden well, behind the limited dexterity of my fingers,
These lines, they sell an idea of me sometimes far removed from the uncertainty of myself,
And the words take shape better than I, to ask you with quiet confidence for what we may seek.

But when my fingers fade away,
And the conditioned brilliance dwindles,
When well practiced eloquence is replaced by feverish lines on a broken crutch,
And an identity rooted in myriad confusion fogs away the last bit of verbose illumination  ...

Would you still be enamored to know that I'd be a train wreck that's yet brighter than a star or two?
Maybe go out walking by the lake and find out what makes me tick?
Take a swim in my mind that is seemingly deeper than most care to dive in?
And would you care to decorate yourself in there whilst I watch you pick away with wide-eyed wonder?

For I talk better in rhymes than I am clear in conversation love, but do bear with me ...
You'll soon appreciate that I'm far more distinguishable by my silence
And if you must wish, you could have that too.

Stranger

I love it when we're strangers babe,
I love the fascination we have with what we don't know,
I'd trade this familiarity in a heartbeat,
For I hide my flaws behind a veil of mystery.

I love it when we're strangers babe,
Knocking down shots of tequila with a glint in our eyes,
I'd do us one better and tell you a joke,
Whilst you are still mindlessly receptive to the dwindling brilliance of my wit.

I love it when we don't know each other, gorgeous,
For it charms the life out of the lies I have ready at the corner of my tongue
All the while, while I pretend to be fascinated by the idea of you,
Whilst I'm terribly ignorant, drunk and desperate  for anonymous loving.

I love it when we're strangers babe,
Cause we may cut each other wide open like landscape,
And amuse ourselves with all the booze, banter and sex,
While we totally throw oblivious at how we may grow to despise each other with burgeoning familiarity.

I love that we're strangers babe.
And isn't it like a pretty gash on the vein that bleeds away ...
That when I do really get to know you,
Your fascination of me will flush itself in the confines of that pretty fucking mind.

A Muse Me

Loosen those locks love,
I like it when you let your hair flow,
Let me pick your brain,
The whiskey is abandoning my reason
So before it completely strips me to the bare threads of myself,
Let me in, inside that head, that, which the travails of man seems to forego in baser pursuit of the flesh,
Allow me there, where your darkest desires and your brightest flashes dance embracing your intricateness,
Let me in, love, while you move like droplets on a leaf, with cruel clairvoyance of my existence in your head,
Armed with practiced mischief and subtle arrogance about my whimsical dwelling;
Show me your songs and sing me some bars while we dance away each other's vibrations together in our little heads,
All the while, whilst looking into mine eyes with clandestine clarity
And remember me for who I am when we're this intimately platonic about our adoration,
That it scares me

That once the whiskey takes over, I'll be just another muse for your nights, intertwined in clumsiness and lust.

To Be

Be in wonder.

On those mornings where the rising sun is a little more than an alarm clock for the daily grind.

Be in wonder.

Of people, constantly evolving and reinventing themselves despite being circumspect to limitation and judgement.

Be in wonder.

Of things that humble and lay there with your humility stripped wide open.

Be in wonder.

Of love, and her many intricacies that follow no whimsical need of logic.

Be in wonder.

Of rum, cigarettes, coffee, sweet perfume and the blunt that goes by

Be in wonder.

Of things you understand and be in awe of things that understand you.

Be in wonder.

Of the sins of the flesh, for your habits are the only thing real about you. Indulge me.

Be in wonder darling, and if you're not drunk with the madness of your amazement, at that exact moment, be real.

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Preface : A Symphony in Ablution

   There was a restlessness in their head. A feeling you can't shake off with all the food, liquor, sex, drugs and pleasures of the world. At 33, when everything you know about the world has changed there's not a lot of luxuries one can afford oneself, save the beautiful gift of solitude. They were young and wild once, the many fallacies they observed, of the pop culture they epitomised. Heavy drinking, multiple partners, nights of little remembrance, social frenzies, raves, orgys, they had been ticking them all off like items on a bucket list. Paying the price for improvising what goes in on the list along the way, they thought and laughed to themselves. The once brilliant beam had faded, nay evolved rather into a serene smile that comes with weariness of the mind, body and spirit.

The world around was changing rapidly. Consumerism was at the fore of the glaringly obvious mass hysteria. Suddenly, there were so many things in the universe that money could buy, that the beauty of indulging in the abstract was now singing a melancholy tune. If money was the kindle that set people off on the path of horrendous self-righteousness and indulgence, consumerism was the roaring flame that engulfed everyone in its warmth, that would then, subliminally, slip into a person and consume the embers of character until all that remained of the one, was ash and an identity puppeteered by the desires of the flesh. Free thought and speech was slowly turning into an illusion and mankind was submitting itself to be a nation of sheep ruled by wolves.

They had quit their well-paying day jobs, dabbled in a bit of social service working with senior citizens, animals in distress and abandoned and crippled children. But it probed and bothered them, that the scale of change they desired to impact the world, was one that needed tremendous physical and mental preparation, for to achieve it, they would have to unbecome the last 33 years of their life. Habits had to be sunk, food preferences would have to change drastically, the body needed heavy conditioning and the mind needed to kick-up a notch and perform at a level few ignited minds have been stretched to. Seeing as how all these are inter-dependant on each other, they went about structuring what they needed to do.

Ties with family and friends were the next things that had to go, for there was no way they could achieve what they intended to, ties binding one to the core of his emotional being, rendering one lucid and incapable of action beyond the spectrum of warm, fuzzy feelings of the heart. This they would achieve by getting off of all acknowledged lines of communication and forgoing a place of residence. The first step started by acknowledging that the concept of the world in its entirety only began, when notions of space and borders were distorted to the point that travel weariness was swept under the mattress of the joy of geographical discovery.

A self-learning crash course in astronomy, philosophy, theology and mythology set them off by a couple years, but it was an integral part of what they aimed to implement, coupled with an array of books ranging from Enid Blyton to Aldous Huxley that they vividly shared an interest for and read avidly with healthy debate brewing from those exact conversations. Their preference in music always seemed to stem from the ideology that the human race tended to be more sustainable and free-spirited as time spun backward and it reflected on what they listened to, Frank Zappa, Megadeth, Black Sabbath, BB King and other poets of the time.

With this little particular consortium of knowledge at hand and unconventional method, they knew what they had to do. While one set off to become a Priest, the other set off to become a Minister. The grand plan to absolve conformity was in motion. Like clockwork.

Preface : A Symphony in Ablution

   There was a restlessness in their head. A feeling you can't shake off with all the food, liquor, sex, drugs and pleasures of the world. At 33, when everything you know about the world has changed there's not a lot of luxuries one can afford oneself, save the beautiful gift of solitude. They were young and wild once, the many fallacies they observed, of the pop culture they epitomised. Heavy drinking, multiple partners, nights of little remembrance, social frenzies, raves, orgys, they had been ticking them all off like items on a bucket list. Paying the price for improvising what goes in on the list along the way, they thought and laughed to themselves. The once brilliant beam had faded, nay evolved rather into a serene smile that comes with weariness of the mind, body and spirit.

The world around was changing rapidly. Consumerism was at the fore of the glaringly obvious mass hysteria. Suddenly, there were so many things in the universe that money could buy, that the beauty of indulging in the abstract was now singing a melancholy tune. If money was the kindle that set people off on the path of horrendous self-righteousness and indulgence, consumerism was the roaring flame that engulfed everyone in its warmth, that would then, subliminally, slip into a person and consume the embers of character until all that remained of the one, was ash and an identity puppeteered by the desires of the flesh. Free thought and speech was slowly turning into an illusion and mankind was submitting itself to be a nation of sheep ruled by wolves.

They had quit their well-paying day jobs, dabbled in a bit of social service working with senior citizens, animals in distress and abandoned and crippled children. But it probed and bothered them, that the scale of change they desired to impact the world, was one that needed tremendous physical and mental preparation, for to achieve it, they would have to unbecome the last 33 years of their life. Habits had to be sunk, food preferences would have to change drastically, the body needed heavy conditioning and the mind needed to kick-up a notch and perform at a level few ignited minds have been stretched to. Seeing as how all these are inter-dependant on each other, they went about structuring what they needed to do.

Ties with family and friends were the next things that had to go, for there was no way they could achieve what they intended to, ties binding one to the core of his emotional being, rendering one lucid and incapable of action beyond the spectrum of warm, fuzzy feelings of the heart. This they would achieve by getting off of all acknowledged lines of communication and forgoing a place of residence. The first step started by acknowledging that the concept of the world in its entirety only began, when notions of space and borders were distorted to the point that travel weariness was swept under the mattress of the joy of geographical discovery.

A self-learning crash course in astronomy, philosophy, theology and mythology set them off by a couple years, but it was an integral part of what they aimed to implement, coupled with an array of books ranging from Enid Blyton to Aldous Huxley that they vividly shared an interest for and read avidly with healthy debate brewing from those exact conversations. Their preference in music always seemed to stem from the ideology that the human race tended to be more sustainable and free-spirited as time spun backward and it reflected on what they listened to, Frank Zappa, Megadeth, Black Sabbath, BB King and other poets of the time.

With this little particular consortium of knowledge at hand and unconventional method, they knew what they had to do. While one set off to become a Priest, the other set off to become a Minister. The grand plan to absolve conformity was in motion. Like clockwork.